


And just like that

by Amaehonne



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Feelings, M/M, More nostalgic and sentimental than sad, Slice of Life, canonverse, elements of time travel, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 20:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amaehonne/pseuds/Amaehonne
Summary: "Erwin sounds genuinely apologetic and Levi realizes the man is probably intrigued and fascinated by this surreal situation they're in even more that Levi; instead Levi is much more interested in the small motion Erwin makes to pick up the pen, or how he absentmindedly scratches his chin, eyes focused on the text."





	And just like that

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to Chopin's Nocturnes throughout the process of writing and editing, let it be a summary enough.
> 
> This fic waited to be edited for months under "untitled mind time travel eruri lol" although there is nothing lol about it

 

Door being shut wakes him and Levi blinks at the vermilion sunlight filling the office. There’s a familiar scent in the air, a nostalgic combination of autumn air and old books. Levi inhales deeply, stretching. He looks around, there are documents neatly stocked on the desk, pen lying on the side like someone has left it there to pick up a moment later.

Levi sighs, he wishes his sick mind would stop playing those cruel tricks on him.

Tricks like making him believe that Erwin has just left the room, using Levi’s nap as a chance to prepare some tea before he wakes up. Like the gentle way the door have been closed was Erwin being considerate of his rest. Like Levi was not about to be woken up by Hange slamming the door, greeting him with one brilliant eye and tons of papers on a messy desk.

 _If this is a dream.._. Levi considers getting out of the office to find Erwin, but what if that would only wake him? The scent, the illusion that Erwin was just here gone.

Instead, he get's comfortable on the couch, closes his eyes and focuses on breathing.

The door opens slowly, silently. Too careful for Hange, Armin maybe? Levi can hear the tray being gently put on the desk, probably tea, Eren then. Then he hears a deep familiar hum of contentment, his eyes shot open.

Erwin leans against the desk casually, sips tea, warming his strained hands on the mug.

Oh what a beautiful, cruel dream.

Erwin notices his eyes are open and blinks at him slowly in greeting, gentle smile in his eyes.

"Sleep well?"

Levi fights a silent battle with himself, afraid his smallest movement or a single word could disrupt the illusion.

In the end he just can't help himself.

He stands up slowly, Erwin watching with his usual curiosity. Levi steps carefully towards the man, hesitantly reaches out moving the mug from Erwin’s hands and puts it on the desk.

Erwin scowls, his smile falters a bit in confusion as Levi gives himself a long moment to take Erwin’s face in, gaze fixed and purposeful.

Finally, he reaches out and rests his hands on Erwin’s sides just below his ribs, splays his palms open feeling the hard muscles through the shirt.

Erwin’s brows shot up, then his arms, hands halting just above Levi’s.

Levi looks up at Erwin’s stunned expression and searching eyes. They are not gone, Levi is still dreaming and so he lets himself lean in. Palms trace over the cotton-covered skin, arms embracing the broad torso; Levi burrows his face deep into Erwin’s chest, breath hitching when he inhales deeply, he hugs tighter, fists clenching the worn out fabric. It’s incredulous how real all this feels.

“Levi, is everything alright?” Erwin’s tone somber, cautious. Levi doesn’t have enough willpower to answer, he might actually start crying if he tries speaking now.

Moments pass in silence and in the end Erwin’s concern wins over his patience, he grabs Levi’s shoulders and pushes him slightly away giving himself a chance to look at Levi’s face. It makes Levi look up but he still refuses to let go of Erwin, his arm locked in a loose embrace. Erwin’s cheeks are slightly pink, expression a mix of concern and embarrassment, adorably so. Levi can’t help a short huff of a laugh that escapes him at the sight, he hasn’t seen such a face on Erwin in a while, so rare for the other men to get distraught by anything.

Their gazes fixed on each other, poignant. Nostalgia clenches Levi’s guts, his smile drops.

“Levi, what’s wrong?” a barely audible whisper filled with warmth and apprehension. Levi opens his mouth to speak.

The door slam open and Erwin pushes Levi away forcefully, holding him on arms length.

Shadis glances between the two of them, eyebrows rising at Erwin’s palms on Levi’s shoulders.

“Everything alright here, Smith?”

Erwin pulls his hands away like they’re burning and clears his throat before speaking.

“Everything’s fine, Commander.” He forces a smile.

Shadis huffs a noncommittal sound and crosses into the room, a couple of soldiers trail in behind him.

“Here’s the evaluation of all of their performances.” Shadis point at the four soldiers with his head and hands Erwin a folder filled with papers. “Ask them a couple of questions, I expect your recommendation at my desk tomorrow evening.”

Levi knows exactly what it actually means – whoever Erwin decides to choose will be promoted, Shadis not sparing a glance at the documents and reasoning behind it.

Levi waits patiently for the commander to leave, his fingers start drumming against his crossed arm while Erwin decides on the time of interview for each soldier; each of them prolonging their stay, trying to leave the best impression on Erwin.

The insignificant parts of this dream are starting to stretch too long for Levi’s liking.

“Right, that’s it,” he snaps at the soldiers, deciding not to suffer a minute longer of their overstayed council. “Go back to your fucking chores.”

Four pair of outraged eyes shot at him, even Erwin can’t entirely restrain the surprise flashing on his face. Yet, as expected, Erwin composes himself in a blink of an eye and with the lack of a better solution ignores Levi’s outburst; proceeds to focus all the attention back on himself.

“Thank you, privets,” he says and steps a bit closer to Levi, physically trying to obscure him from the view. “I’ll see you tomorrow after breakfast.”

Reluctantly, the soldiers nod and start leaving, shooting Levi last glances varying from scared to disgusted, until they finally lock the door behind themselves.

“Alright.” Erwin states, his voice hollow. “What is going on, Levi?”

Levi sighs, is it worth all the explaining? It seems that his mind found itself in the time when he just barely joined the Corps, still fresh and rouge. Shadis still being the useless commander.

Erwin still out of Levi’s reach, literally and figuratively. Which explains the tense reaction at Levi’s affectionate behavior.

Levi scoffs.

“Pretty fucking cruel,” he starts, “to offer me a long, realistic dream and make me work on everything again, from the start.”

Worry replaces confusion on Erwin’s face.

“Right. Please Levi, sit down for a bit.” Erwin reaches to lead Levi towards the sofa but hesitates to touch him and ends up awkwardly pointing at the couch.

Levi sits and nods at the place right next to him, Erwin obliges. When the men sits down stiffly, leaving a considerable gap between them Levi sighs again.

“So... how long have I been here? You don’t trust me yet?” Levi rests his head on the backrest turning slightly towards Erwin.

Levi can act patiently if he wants to, he says to himself, he’ll get whatever he can out of this weird fantasy. Better not be greedy.

Except, when Erwin turns to face him, his eyes full of hurt and determination Levi’s resolve crumbles instantly.

“I do trust you, Levi.” Erwin says with conviction. Levi watches a deep wrinkle on the man’s forehead. Levi knows that Erwin wants to sound like he truly means it, still not sure how to reach him, still used to being doubted by Levi and questioned on every step. Having to earn his trust in return.

It used to be like that between the two of them, it hits Levi how much it all changed.

And how little it meant in the end.

“I know,” Levi shots Erwin a miserable, tiny smile.

Erwin’s expression turns helpless and worried again. He has obviously no idea what happened to Levi’s usual ferocious attitude.

“Alright” Erwin sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “So either this is some kind of joke, and you’re the best performer inside the walls, or I’m loosing my mind. Is this…Are you still trying to play on my nerves? Isn’t that past us at this point?”

Levi wants to laugh at how clueless Erwin’s expression looks, how silly. Complete opposite to his usual demeanor.

“Calm down, Erwin,” Levi mutters amused, he notes quickly how warm and pleasant saying the name out loud makes him feel. “You’re just a part of my imagination, stop worrying. It’s just a silly dream.”

Erwin opens his mouth to say something but hesitates. He scrutinizes Levi for a bit and gives up in the end, his face relaxing, body slumping a little into the couch.

“I think,” Erwin starts carefully, “I’m not the one who lost his mind.”

There’s a shadow of mirth crossing his tired face.

“So,” he huffs a laugh. “Whose dream is it, yours or mine?”

Levi’s brow furrows.

“Mine, obviously,” he says and it makes Erwin utter a quiet laugh.

“Obviously.”

 

They sit in silence for a while and Levi really tries to be patient. He wants to be content with what he’s got, it’s pleasant, the way this daydream feels. It does make him happy to just be able to sit in the same room with Erwin, next to him, breathing and living. It feels so real, it really is enough.

On the other hand, it would really suck to miss such an opportunity.

Levi leans towards Erwin, fitting his face into the crook of his neck. The other man stops him immediately, worry creeping back to his face.

“Levi, this is not a dream,” he says, carefully. “I mean, unless we’re both dreaming but… It doesn’t feel like a dream? It’s highly improbable.”

The firmness of Erwin’s tone makes Levi hesitate, a crack showing in his set scenario of this situation. He can feel doubt creep into his mind against his better judgment.

“I wish it wasn’t,” Levi sighs, then he adds mumbling, “I would have so much time with you again.”

Curiosity lights up Erwin’s eyes, his face concentrated like always when he’s considering an insane idea, something seemingly inconceivable, absolutely _fascinating_ he would say, like most of his theories.

“You seem to know me much better than you knew me this morning, much better than I know you.” He shakes his head a little at the absurdity of his thoughts. “Levi, how come you sound like you know the future?”

And suddenly Levi knows what he has to do. It doesn’t matter whether this is a dream or not, (whether this is really past or just some mind’s mirage). He has a chance, and he can tell him everything! He must make him believe, he owes Erwin that,

for taking the truth away from him in the first place.

“You were–!” Levi starts heatedly but corrects himself. “You _are_ right. There are people outside the walls! Your father didn’t die in vain.” It’s so important that Erwin knows. “You’re not insane, you are _right_!”

Erwin’s eyes shot wide open, his shocked expression turns dark.

“How do you–? My father?” his tone brash. “Did you go spying through my staff? Did you–?”

Erwin sounds as much angry as scared, he’s so disappointed in himself – on a verge of loosing his trust in Levi.

“You told me, idiot,” Levi answers warmly, but there’s a cold ache clenching his heart. “You’ll tell me in a while.”

Erwin stands abruptly, he takes out a knife from one of the desk’s drawers.

And faster than Levi can react, makes a tiny cut in the tip of his thumb.

“Not a dream, I suppose.” he sighs, watching his hand. “Although, who really knows how those things work.”

He throws the knife at the desk and sits in his chair heavily, defeated.

Erwin realizes there is no way for Levi to know unless he actually told him himself. No one knows. Levi can see the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that run through Erwin’s mind. Theoretically it might be a hoax on Levi’s side, there might be a way he’d found out about his father, how he died.

But at this point Erwin really grew to trust Levi, even though he still feels this tiny sting of doubt, he’s _certain –_ Levi can be many things, but he is not cruel, never cruel.

It is Levi’s turn to start loosing his cool. He shouldn’t let those insane thought find their way into his mind. But what if…? Maybe it really is not a dream? All those fucked up things they’ve learned recently, about Eldian conciseness being connected in a way, about memories traveling back and forth. Fueled by grief, by loneliness, by _guilt_ ; Levi looks at Erwin and wants to scream. He doesn’t believe it one bit and yet he wants it to be true. What he’d give to be here with Erwin, alive, even in the past.

Levi walks towards the desk, takes the knife and mimics Erwin. He can feel a sting, can see a tiny drop of blood straining the assessment reports, looks at Erwin’s tired face and decides.

He lets himself adrift in this fantasy.

 

* * *

 

Doors being slummed shut wakes Levi up. Reflexively he jumps up to sit up straight, takes in his surroundings.

Erwin’s office, the man himself absent. Some of Levi’s weariness washes away at the fact. He still finds himself embarrassed whenever he allows himself drop his guard and fall asleep in Smith’s presence, in the middle of the day at that. Levi tries to assure himself that Erwin is harmless, he is trustworthy, won’t judge him for it, and yet it makes Levi feel strangely vulnerable.

He yawns and stretches, pushing the uneasiness to the back of his mind for now, as usual.

The first thing that catches his attention is the desk. All messy, covered in piles of crumpled pages. There’s even a tea cup mark on one of them. Oh, he’s gonna fuck Erwin up for this. He didn’t spend all day tidying the office up, including the documents, so that Erwin could just ruin it in a matter of hours.

On Erwin’s defense, something must have happened – for Erwin to make such a mess and leave in a hurry, to the point he forgot about his usual consideration of Levi’s rare moments of sleep, to just slum the door like that.

Probably just Shadis shitting himself over the next expedition. Even though it’s always Erwin who has to deal with all the strategic preparations for him anyway.

Levi yawns again and decides on heading to the canteen, a cup of tea on his mind. It’s raining so heavily they probably won’t be able to practice much outside.

He falters, staring out the window, he could swear there wasn’t a cloud in sight before he fell asleep. How damn long was he asleep?

As he gets closer to the kitchen he’s staring to feel more anxious, the halls are empty and absolutely quiet, no sounds coming from any of the rooms, there’s no one in the baths either.

The HQ feels cold, abandoned. A shiver rises goosebumps all over Levi’s skin.

He’ll never admit how relieved he feels seeing Hange and a couple of soldiers talking in the mess hall, enjoying their drinks.

“Oh, done with your beauty nap?”

“Shut up, Four Eyes.” he grunts.

Levi doesn’t even get to sit before a young soldier pours him a cup of tea and places it in front of his usual sit. He nods to the kid and realizes he’s never seen him around, he gets a bright smile back, a smile that lacks weariness and fear he usually gets from the rest of the soldiers.

Is it possible that the kid is so fresh he doesn’t even realize who Levi is, where he comes from, how he got to the Corps?

The other kid present in the room sits over a map splayed on the table, his gaze focused, he doesn’t even seem to notice Levi.

There’s also a dark haired girl sitting near the window, looking out into the rain. Sparing Levi a short glance before turning back and resting her head on the cold glass.

Levi, confused by the presence of so many new faces feels his gut clench in weariness. He wonders where the hell Erwin is, and asks just that.

Everyone in the room turns to Levi abruptly, looking at Levi like he’s just turned into a titan.

“Where the hell is Erwin?” he repeats when no one bothers to answer him.

The others exchange glances, Hange straightens and clears her throat. Just then Levi notices there’s a patch covering her left eye. Honestly, what the hell did he miss here? He’s never taking a damn nap in his life.

“Do you feel alright, Captain?” The tea boy asks carefully, he looks at Levi expectantly and so he guesses it was directed at him.

“Captain?” Levi repeats. He watches their expressions turn from worry to outright fear.

“Levi, sit down,” Hange says.

Levi does sit down, surprised by her uncommonly solemn tone. He starts growing more and more anxious under their concerned glances. The girl from the window joins them at the table, the blond boy folds the map avoiding Levi’s eyes.

The tea boy reaches out to grab Levi’s hand but instantly pulls away, seeing Levi flinch away.

“What the fuck?” Levi barks, “Hange, who the hell are those kids?”

The tea boy looks like he’s about to cry.

“And where the fuck is Erwin?” Levi adds, feeling panic creep into his mind. “He just left all that mess on his desk, if he thinks I’m gonna clean his shit again, he’s in for a surprise. He can finally just stand up to Shadis and tell him to do his job, so Erwin can finish his own.”

A silent tear rolls down the tea boy’s face. The girl moves his sit closer to him, glaring at Levi warily. The blond boy shots Hange an expectant look and she sighs.

“Levi?” She leans towards the men. “It’s not some kind of a stupid joke, is it?”

Levi just rises his brows, he was about to ask her the same question. She sighs again.

“Levi, you are a Captain of the Survey Corps,” she starts slowly, unsure. “Those are Eren, Mikasa and Armin, all members of your squad. You know them pretty well by now.”

She points at the kids, respectfully. Levi feels more confused.

“I see you obviously remember me, somehow?”

Silence falls between them, heavy, full of apprehension. It’s the blond boy who finally breaks it.

“I’ve read about something like this. After trauma, patients loose some or all of their memories. Although it usually happens in cases of head injury. I don’t suppose the Captain has hurt his head lately?”

Levi wants to scream. What the hell are they talking about, he knows everything, he remembers everything.

“Stop spilling bullshit,” he snaps. “I remember everything. The corps, who Four Eyes is, I just don’t know the kids, that’s all. I remember all about the titans, how I got here, expeditions… Shit, did I have an accident?”

Levi’s head starts to pulse painfully, his swallows slowly, blinking rapidly at his stinging eyes.

Hange clears her throat again.

“You might say that.”

The tea boy, Eren dries his face with a sleeve.

“Please, Captain, drink some tea. Are you hungry? Do you feel like you might have a fever?” He turns to Armin. “Maybe he should lie down?”

Levi massages his temples, he’s so confused. He knows nothing, he doesn’t trust them, he needs…

“Erwin,” Levi says. “Where is he?”

Their faces turn pale. Mikasa drops her eyes and stares at her hands. Hange takes a long swing of her drink Levi suspects might not be tea.

“He’s dead.” Armin says. “He passed away last month.”

Levi freezes, his mind blank.

Dead? Erwin?

It doesn’t make sense at all in Levi’s mind.

He’s not sure what is it he feels at the news.

Levi stares at his steaming cup, he feels… empty.

“Oh.”

The only thing he manages to say. Three pairs and one single eye look at him, gaze expectant.

“Just like him. Persuade me to join this mess, and then… just die on me, right after. The audacity, that fucker.

“Levi… What year do you think it is?”

It’s not like such weird questions were few and far between for Hange to ask.

“845? What?”

They all look at him with various levels of shock. Realization falls on Hange’s face, Armin hums under his nose.

“I’ll go and try to find some books on the subject,” he says and leaves, squeezing Eren’s shoulder on his way out.

“Let’s not tell the others yet,” Mikasa joins in, voice subtle.

Hange nods, “Find them something to do, Mikasa.”

The girl stands up immediately but is visibly reluctant to leave the tea boy’s side.

“Eren, you take Levi to his quarters, I assume he’s not aware where they are.”

Confused, deflated and inexplicably apathetic Levi lets himself be dragged to a foreign room that has apparently been his own for the last couple of years.

 

* * *

 

 

Levi sits across from Erwin, holds up a cup just to do something with his trembling hands even though the tea is already gone. Whatever it is, that is happening – an illusion, a dream, time travel – allows him to look at Erwin, talk to him, touch him.

Levi doesn’t take his eyes off of the men, Erwin’s brow furrowed, long, calloused finger tapping lightly at his lower lip, lost in thought. The blue in his eyes bright, shimmering, alive; not clouded by too much responsibility, not yet.

Levi can see the tiny shade of guild Erwin has already bore from the moment they met.

But not the unbearable amount Levi remembers.

It doesn’t take long until Erwin notices Levi staring, he utters a nervous laugh.

“Well, our lives seem to have become even more complicated,” he starts.

Levi grunts noncommittally in response, can feel his chest warm up and eyes water at the mare sound of Erwin’s voice, how vibrant it sounds.

“I apologize. No matter how bizarre today is, I need to finish my work.”

Erwin sounds genuinely apologetic and Levi realizes that the man is probably intrigued and fascinated by this queer situation their in even more that Levi; instead Levi is much more interested in the small motion Erwin makes to pick up the pen, or how he absentmindedly scratches his chin, eyes focused on the text.

“Read them out loud,” Levi whispers, surprising himself and Erwin likewise. The man looks up and searches Levi’s face for a moment looking like he’s about to refuse.

Levi will beg if he has to.

Either Erwin notices the desperation somewhere in Levi’s impassive gaze or just decides arguing would take too much time, he starts reading aloud.

In truth, Levi obviously doesn’t care about the reviews and evaluations the soldiers got, their achievements and scores fly past him. He’s lost, absolutely captivated by Erwin’s mesmerizing tone.

Levi observes.

He watches hooded eyes move from right to left over the lines of scribbled text; watches full, dry lips move over the words, pink tongue picking out now and then to moist them.

There is no sign of unevenly shaved stubble Levi got used to during the last months they spent together.

Levi drops his gaze to the hands, both of them, one holding a page the other propped under Erwin’s chin. Absolutely nothing foreshadowing what might happen, what Levi knows will happen.

Levi squeezes his eyes, has to massage his temples to calm down, make the headache go away. It’s not enough.

_It’s not enough._

He’s here, he’s got Erwin right in front of him and he’s doing nothing with it. Levi though that he can be patient; isn’t it enough, having Erwin alive? Being next to him?

It’s not. Not the sight, nor the voice are enough. He needs more, needs to be closer, to touch.

Levi is aware he doesn’t deserve it, that he’s being greedy and unfair to this Erwin who has no idea what they get to share together. It’s inexcusable to need someone this much.

But Levi has been so selfish lately, he might as well act selfishly now, _Right?_

Levi stands up and Erwin instantly looks up at him.

“I just– sorry, I can’t help it,” Levi says, struggling to hold Erwin’s gaze.

Erwin, always considerate, gives Levi time to gather his thoughts and courage to continue.

“What’s with this weird ass situation! I even... I can’t just sit here, pretend it’s nothing that you’re here, when I have you here.”

Levi looks up to see if Erwin’s expression changed at his mess of a confession, if it reveals any of Erwin’s thoughts – it’s still patiently open and infuriatingly unreadable.

“It’s not fair… That we’re supposed to be getting to know each other, it’s not fair to you that I know, what I want to do… it’s just, I’m too... I want to be close to you right now, closer.”

Levi pretends he doesn’t notice the desperation in his own voice; how idiotic he must look in Erwin’s eyes, this Erwin from when they just met. Waiting for Erwin’s answer, any reaction from him is exhausting, doubts start to creep in and Levi can feel his palms sweat.

“Of course,” Erwin says smiling slightly, always comprehending more that Levi could imagine. He is pleasantly reminded of how mindful Erwin was of him from the start, how he cherished him even then. When Levi was still rebellious, alone and lost,

and scared.

Levi swiftly closes the distance and unceremoniously sits himself on Erwin’s lap, nestles his face in the man’s neck, embracing his shoulders, fingers combing golden hair.

“O–oh.” Erwin’s voice strained by a mix of amusement and embarrassment. “This close?”

Levi can’t help but huff a laugh into Erwin’s warm neck, he can feel him shiver in response. Levi lightly, reluctantly, with his still closed mouth, traces lines over Erwin’s neck, chin and face, breathing shakily through his nose.

The man tenses a bit, moves his head slightly to look Levi in the eyes, licks his lips, hesitates;

eventually leans in to leave a careful peck on Levi’s cheek, testing what it entails.

“If this is a dream...” Erwin whispers, warm puffs of breath warming Levi’s skin. “I’m surprised how much I enjoy it.”

Levi leans in to plant a proper kiss on Erwin’s lips at last, but there’s a palm on his chest, stopping him.

“If it is not a dream,” Erwin continues, “I really hope that when–if your senses, your mind comes back to normal, you–he won’t mind.”

“Oh, he won’t mind.” Levi’s never been more sure of anything, he leans again and their lips finally meet.

The warmth, the wetness… It really feels like kissing for the first time, like getting to know Erwin all over again. Levi was so certain he would never get to experience those emotions again, he is loosing himself in the touch, the warm sensations, even more in his mind that body.

But Erwin is backing away again.

Levi whines, blue eyes are watching his, searching. A pang of worry surfaces at the back of Levi’s mind.

“I assume we become much closer in the future then,” Erwin says and Levi rolls his eyes.

He wants to shrug it off, loose himself in Erwin again, yet there’s something else in those perceptive eyes, something that makes Levi sober up taming his temptations.

“But for you to act so… the way you did before, just after waking up.” Levi wants to run. He can feel the question coming, the one he will never be ready to confront, he leans away from Erwin looking for an escape. “Levi, are we separated? No longer together?”

Levi’s eyes pinch closed, ache twisting his expression. He doesn’t want Erwin worried, he wouldn’t lie to him either. Is it possible for Erwin to hate Levi for his decision, _for what_ _I_ _did_?

There is really no choice this time.

“You’re dead.”

Erwin’s eyes blow wide, his mouth part slightly, Levi lost all the will to kiss them. Suddenly he feels like he’s imposing on Erwin’s space, like he’s doing everything wrong. Touching Erwin feels forbidden, being with him something he doesn’t deserve.

Standing up Levi feels his gut clench unpleasantly, his eyes sting, he wishes he could just stay asleep on that couch, roll back and never wake up.

Erwin follows him to the sofa and this times holds Levi’s arms, makes him sit down. They sit close, their thighs touching. Erwin is facing Levi, his whole attention focused on him, a hand still on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Levi.”

A dry sob escapes Levi at the words, the guilt makes him sick.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about, idiot!” he sounds harsher than intended and hides his face in his palms, elbows resting on his knees. His breaths come out shaky but eyes stay painfully dry.

Levi can feel a warm palm smooth his back move up to massage the back of his neck.

“It’s my fault,” Levi mumbles into his hands.

Erwin hums at that.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Levi.” he says calmly, suppressed emotions straining his voice. “You know well how we work, what I do. I’ve told you times before – if anything, it’s the titans’ fault.”

“Shut up!” Levi turns to Erwin, looks into his eyes, he has to make him understand. “I made the decision! You’re dead because I chose for you to not keep living!”

Shallow breaths escape Levi, Erwin’s expression stays thoughtful.

_Please do something, please hate me, please punish me, I don’t deserve–_

“I apologize, Levi.”

_What._

“You say it was a decision, probably one I couldn’t make myself. I’m sorry to put you in such position.”

“You fucker!” Levi barks, his vision, and his thoughts, blurring. “You could’ve lived! But I told you to go ahead with this suicide idea. And even then, I could’ve made you live but I chose Armin! I _decided_! Do you understand?! I chose for you to die!”

Erwin watches him, something akin to pity crossing his expression.

Levi breaths heavily, he’s angry, frustrated, can’t find the right way to properly convey the significance of his choice. It’s not pity he needs, he deserves to be cursed, despised.

They stare at each other, gazes unwavering, neither of them willing to conform.

“Levi,” Erwin starts calmly, firmly. “How come you had the authority to make such an important call?”

It takes Levi a while to focus and comprehend the question. Erwin’s hand on his neck heavy.

“I, well, it doesn’t matter. I was– I am,” he corrects himself, “the Survey Corps captain. I have plenty of freedom to make my own calls. You always listened, I mean, you will always listen to what I have to say, always consider my opinion, follow my instincts. Unless it’s something you’re too stubborn about, like that damn _truth_ of yours. I should’ve just broken your damn legs.”

Erwin hums.

“So you’re saying someone promoted you to a Captain?” the man asks and there’s a glimpse of pride on Erwin’s face before his expression turns stern again. “It’s not so hard for me to believe, but it still sounds improbable considering your current attitude towards authority and politics behind the ranks.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi snaps back, his tone lacking any heat. “You became the commander and made me your damn captain, don’t act so surprised.”

Erwin smiles.

“Oh, are you trying to say I, myself, gave you so much authority to become a Captain?”

Levi rolls his eyes but Erwin continues.

“And you say I listened to your opinions more often than not, and valued your instincts above all else more often than not?”

Levi opens his mouth to argue but Erwin doesn’t give him the chance.

“I assume then, as you seem familiar with my guilty fascination with theories and truth about this world of ours, that should I jeopardize the success of a mission with my selfish goals you would–”

“Shut up, you’re not selfish.” Levi mumbles and drops his gaze to his socked feet, unable to look at Erwin’s warm smile.

“Alright, alright. Just answer me this one question.” Erwin’s tone turns serious. “Should you have to make the same decision again, would you change your mind?”

Levi freezes, his blood turns cold, mind blank.

Would he? Would he save Erwin if he had the chance to go through all of this again? Would he save Erwin, letting him be eaten away by his own guilt day by day, for the next thirteen years in this hell. Would he let Armin die? For the Corps? Or if he did it, would it be because of the loneliness he feels. Which would be more selfish of him?

“I don’t know,” he answers truthfully, expression sour, voice hollow. Deflated, tension leaving his body as Levi gives up.

He grabs Erwin’s hand and slowly lifts it to his face. Erwin lets him.

“I wanted to save you. It would be better for the corps, probably. And I would have you…” He whispers the last bit, glances up then drops his gaze back. The piercing blue of Erwin’s gaze too much to bare.

“You looked so peaceful, when you agreed to die with the soldiers, like all that guilt – like it was washed away, by dying among th–”

Levi’s voice breaks, he shivers. A dry thumb smooths over his cheek.

“Thank you,” Erwin whispers, a dry sob escapes Levi’s lips. “From the time I first met you, not so long ago in my case, I was sure that you would be an asset for the Corps, making it better, giving people hope.”

Levi shakes his head but Erwin doesn’t stop.

“Not even that… I believed, as I believe now and probably won’t ever chance my mind, that you are making me a better man, you give me hope, Levi. You direct me towards where I should lead us. Ground me when I think too far ahead. Showing me people where I see means to victory. I wasn’t aware of that yet but,” Erwin hesitates, “the way you look at me, with so much affection. You know all my dark secrets, my vulnerabilities, my motivations, selfishness and guilt, and yet all I see in your eyes is...”

Erwin shakes his head and lets out a breathy laugh. The dissonance of what he wanted to convey too formidable. He is well aware of what he planned to say, and Levi knows too. It’s just that this Erwin doesn’t feel it yet, not sure if he is allowed to say such words.

“Love,” Levi says matter-of-factly, his voice steady, lacking a smallest hint of embarrassment. “You’ll probably feel it soon, too.”

Erwin’s eyes blow wide before he composes himself, he lets out a shaky breath, it’s surreal for him to hear Levi say such words, to bear such feelings towards him. Erwin feels Levi squeeze his hand, he feels himself tremble.

“I already might.”

 

* * *

 

 

Levi spends most of the day listening to Eren’s stories about what happened but Levi apparently forgot. Being called Humanity’s Strongest doesn’t really surprise him, becoming a Captain more of a shock. Seemingly second only under the Command.

Everything sounds like a grotesque fairytale – titans being humans, breaching the walls, Eren and others turning themselves into titans – all the news making his head ache, mind murky.

Levi tries focusing his attention on the kids, to realize what he misses by forgetting the brats.

He sees quite clearly why he is close to Eren. Even after getting to know him briefly Levi takes a liking to him. There’s determination in his eyes, a sense of purpose; something Levi tries to awake in himself. The kid is helpful, making sure Levi has warm tea every few hours, keeping the room tidy. He’s very neat – it’s easy to believe that he really did learn all of this from Levi himself.

Mikasa comes and goes, seemingly unmoved, focused on her tasks; yet he can swear he sees a shadow of concern on her face every time she glances at Levi. There is warmth in her eyes whenever she watches Eren try hard to make Levi remember; there is a familiar aura about her and Levi can’t help but feel an odd connection with the girl.

The only other person he’s allowed to see for now is Armin. Together with Hange they decided it’s better to not bring the matter to the others, not before they learn more, how serious and permanent is Levi’s condition. And he is grateful for that, not keen on drawing too much attention; feeling vulnerable under scrutiny of people who seemingly know him for years and he can’t even name.

Armin’s visits are quiet, he mostly watches Levi being fussed over by Eren. Blue eyes perceptive, full of curiosity. Once in a while when a stray hair falls over his eyes, casting shadows over his young face, making it look more mature, more tired, Levi is reminded of Erwin. The potential for greatness prominent in those brilliant eyes; Levi can almost see the shade of guilt already clouding the boy’s expression.

Levi is unsure how to ask about Erwin, afraid of what he might hear. He avoids the subject of death and Hange becoming a commander, he sidetracks when Eren mentions the last expedition, when they reclaimed the Wall, when Erwin died.

The curiosity is always dimmed by a dull ache that makes Levi change the subject, back down before asking.

It’s easy with Eren – he seems to know close to nothing about the history of Erwin and Levi’s acquaintance, the nature and history of their relationship. Eren, trying to be considerate, restrains himself from mentioning the commander’s death.

But then there’s Hange.

 

She sends Eren away and plops down on the couch next to Levi, propping her legs on the coffee table. Replaces the tea with whiskey, the consideration with forwardness.

“So what’s the last you remember of him?”

Levi gives up on pretending he doesn’t know who she’s asking about.

He shrugs, then takes a long sip, letting the alcohol burn it’s way down his throat, into his mind.

Apparently those last years which Levi doesn’t remember have made Hange much more patient than he remembers. Gaze focused on her glass, she waits for Levi’s answer.

“I don’t know...” Levi sighs. He points at the empty desk. “Just that he was always here. Working, having ideas.”

Something in his chest tightens.

“Why do you even ask, it doesn’t matter. He’s dead.”

“I believe your condition must have something to do with his death, your grief.”

Levi has a bad feeling about this, he really doesn’t want to know more.

“Even if so, whatever. We were close, he died, I was sad. Whatever.” Levi forces irritation into his voice to mask agitation. He doesn’t let Hange argue. “Just tell me what I need to know to fight, that’s all. That’s why I’m here for, why he brought me here in the first place.”

He drowns the rest of his drink. Why does it have to be so important to talk about Erwin. Levi is a fighter, he was Erwin’s fancy weapon, he can still be one now, even if Erwin is gone.

Hange scoffs at him, refilling their glasses.

“I almost forgot how dense you were when he first brought you here,” she says with a smile.

Levi feels annoyed but somehow reassured. It calms him in a way, to have someone who knows who he is, where he comes from; knows him from _before_.

“And you’re still a sloppy shitty four-eyes. Commander or not.” Levi snaps at her, then adds with a smirk, “an eye or two less.”

Hange laughs.

“Good to know you’re still you,” she says. “with memories or without, still a brat, even as an old fart.”

Levi shoves her with an elbow. It’s likely the alcohol’s doing because he feels somehow lighter, he stops minding. _Who needs Erwin, when you can have booze?_ Voice in his head sour and vile.

Hange’s expression turns serious.

“You were really inseparable, almost from the start.”

“I know, shut up. I remember this much.”

Hange looks at him curiously.

“Uh, I know it’s all thanks to him I’m here. What do you want me to say? Why is it so important for me to remember him. Yes, I remember! It’s all thanks to him, how much the Corps owes to him. What the fuck do you expect me to say?!” he shouts the last part into his glass. Hange seems unfazed. She nods a couple of times, stares at him with that one piercing eye.

“That too,” she starts. “You do remember you were lovers, right?”

Levi’s eyes shoot up in shock.

“That’s–” impossible, he wants to say. He wants to say bullshit; but then he thinks about it.

Levi remembers watching Erwin during practice, watching strings of sweat roll down his neck and chest; Levi remembers paying too much attention to how 3DMG straps would pin around Erwin’s huge, muscular tights; how during the long late evenings in the office Erwin would unbutton two top buttons of his shirt leaving Levi greedily staring at the bared collarbone and thick chest hair. Remembers the way he pretended not to watch how Erwin always bit his pencil when lost in thought over maps, tip of his pink tongue testing Levi’s poise.

Besides, wasn’t Levi Erwin’s trophy, his wild tamed titan-slaying warrior? Huh, no wonder they fucked.

“That’s pretty obvious,” Levi says eventually, voice even, at which Hange’s brows disappear under her long fringe.

“Oh, that’s interesting.”

Levi scowls at her in confusion.

“I just thought,” Hange continues, “that you might want to deny it. Being as emotionally closed up as you were for years after you joined.”

“What’s there to deny, we were spending lots of time together. We are all frustrated here… everyone needs to relief themselves once in a while. And we both remember how he looked like, right?” Levi adds with a smirk that comes out more bitter than playful.

“Well, yeah,” Hange scoffs to Levi’s confusion. “You probably did have sex, not like I care.”

“Then what the hell?” Levi doesn’t follow.

“I mean,” she starts, the tone turns warm, unlike Hange Levi knows. “You were...well, together? In love, I mean.”

Levi coughs out a laugh, sounding like he’s choking. Again denial comes first to his mind, he wants to say how ridiculous Hange sounds.

He watches a drop of amber liquid slowly run down his glass, Levi lets it fall and stain his white uniform trousers.

He thinks how Erwin’s formal smile always changed whenever he looked at Levi, making the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes more prominent, eyes brightening; he remembers how the fabric of Erwin’s shirts would be hard to press whenever Levi ironed them. How a string of spit would drip out of the corner of Erwin’s dry lips, wetting his sleeve when he dozed off over his desk. How the creases between his brows seemed to smooth out whenever Levi draped a blanket over Erwin’s shoulders even as he didn’t stop reading.

How Levi usually barely slept and ended up bringing Erwin a pot of tea to share before the other man could even get dressed in the morning. He remembered the sustained tea supplies even during the donation shortages and how, when asked, Erwin pretended to be oblivious.

Levi could suddenly hear every _thank you_ , feel every warm pat at the back, the appreciation and welcoming Erwin granted him.

And Levi… He could suddenly feel all of this at once in a mix of feelings creating one undisclosed emotion, making his chest hurt, his eyes sting.

Hange, ever observant as only Erwin acknowledged her to be, drowned her drink and moved to the door.

“I thought,” she started, “it might be good for you to remember. It would be a shame to live never knowing that feeling. Even if, in the end, it only makes you hurt.”

She leaves, eyes down, and Levi thinks it wasn’t only him and Erwin she was talking about.

 

* * *

 

 

As much as they both enjoyed whispering embarrassing confessions on the coach it couldn’t last too long, time might have gone back for Levi but it didn’t seem to stop for anyone else. Not really having a choice in the matter Levi had to, though reluctantly, allow Erwin go back to work.

He found himself torn again – he wished the hours would run faster, for Erwin to finally finish with work and commit his all attention to Levi. On the other hand, it seemed like all the time in the world wouldn’t be enough to satisfy Levi with Erwin’s presence.

Levi could never have enough of looking at Erwin while the man worked, to savvy his every little gesture, every expression.

His frustration swelled with time, the eagerness grew – to get closer, to touch.

Loosing himself in the cleaning seemed like a good idea, but as if out of spite the office seemed spotless, even by Levi’s standards. He cursed his past self for doing such a good job in keeping the place.

He tried washing the widows anyway, then dusted each and every book, taking them out of the shelf to put back in alphabetical order. Even after cleaning the windowsills and dusting the curtains Erwin was still not finished with the paperwork.

Levi rearranged the books by the size – from the biggest to the smallest.

Then by the color.

By the time he returned the books once more to the alphabetical order, Erwin seemed to be done with about a half of the documents and letters on his desk. Levi decided he had enough of the wait.

It’s not like the reports would just disappear, waiting to be signed tomorrow.

“Erwin.” Levi grunts standing over Erwin’s bowed figure. “Oi, Erwin.”

Levi crosses his arms, his brow twitches with irritation.

“Just a moment,” is the only mumbled response, Erwin’s mind still lost in the text before him.

 _That will not fucking do_ , Levi thinks. His mind didn’t fly all this way behind to just make him clean this damn room.

And so he pops himself up on the desk and onto the papers, forcing Erwin to lean back.

Startled expression disappears from Erwin’s face almost instantly and his sharp gaze slowly moves from one of Levi’s legs to the other, which are trapping him between the chair and Levi.

“I have to work...” Erwin sighs, tired, but Levi can swear he can see a corner of his lips turning up.

“You’ve done enough for today.” Levi can almost see Erwin’s expression shift as his inhibitions slowly crumble under Levi’s piercing gaze.

“You know I don’t like to do it–”

“I know you like sucking cock.”

A few long seconds seem to pass before Erwin blinks slowly. Skin on his throat pulses visibly, illustrating the willpower it takes Erwin to restrain himself from looking down Levi’s body. Erwin swallows, the sound seeming abnormally loud.

Levi could swear there is more color on Erwin’s cheeks than just a minute ago, an extra push for Levi to continue.

“I know you like fucking me into the mattress until I scream,” he says with his usual deadpan expression.

Erwin closes his eyes afraid he might not conceal the fire Levi’s words ignite in them. Erwin huffs, something between a laugh and a groan.

Popping one of his legs onto Erwin’s shoulder, Levi spreads his thighs a little wider. Erwin still fighting, keeps his eyes closed, knowing well that he’d be lost should he look at Levi now. A shaky breath leaves his slightly ajar mouth.

When Erwin finally looks up with his hooded eyes, blue few shades darker – Levi knows he had won.

Levi watches, like hypnotized the painfully slow movement as Erwin reaches to grab Levi’s shin, then leans his face to the side and plants an open mouthed kiss on Levi’s booted foot.

Levi chokes, his mouth watering.

With one quick motion Erwin drops the leg to the side, Levi jerks forward and stumbles, hardly keeping himself on the desk.

“I haven’t eaten since morning, let’s grab dinner first.” Erwin says and kisses Levi’s forehead fondly, then walks out the door like nothing has just happened between them, leaving Levi with a confounded expression, hanging weirdly half sitting on the desk between crumpled papers.

 

When Levi reaches the mass hall he has managed to compose himself. As he enters, his guts twist unpleasantly. The hall is filled with uproar, soldiers laughing over their meals, complaining about the chores, some lost in tales about a decent training sessions. It feels… nostalgic. He recognizes almost all of them;

blinking, he can see each of their dead faces.

Expression grim, his mind whirlwind of suppressed emotions Levi puts his tray at the officers table next to Erwin’s; lost in thought he almost misses the incredulous looks this gains him from all of the squad leaders. Shadis, a the top of the table, shakes his head slightly, other high ranking officers only roll their eyes. After enduring the disdainful atmosphere for a couple of minutes Levi considers changing the sit just to eat in peace and maybe spare Erwin the lectures he’s going to have to listen later on Levi’s behalf;

but just then he looks up to the side and sees Erwin’s expression so unusually relaxed, when the man looks back at Levi there is a slight smile on his face, their arms brush every time they take a spoonful of the blunt stew – and there is nothing in the world that could make Levi leave now, spoil this moment of pure bliss with which he is undeservedly bestowed.

A familiar loud voice draws his attention, and there’s Hange – younger, enthusiastic, _four-eyed_ he thinks more affectionately than he’s willing to admit. She’s animatedly explaining something to a broad-shouldered soldier who, although has already finished his meal, stays to listen to the end of the lecture, out of politeness (or lack of other things to do). Poor soul, probably still doesn’t realize there is no end to Hange’s monologues. Levi smiles when the man turns and he can see the face half hidden by a too long blond fringe. Mike narrows his eyes in confusion, he looks around in disbelieve to make sure Levi is actually looking at him. Realizing there’s no other option he smiles back and rises his ale glass slightly towards Levi who mimics the gesture and they both drink. There’s still a note of confusion in his expression when Mike turns back towards Hange’s unperturbed lecture.

Levi starts eating his quickly chilling meal but is stopped by a questioning look from Erwin.

He just shrugs in response, there’s too much to explain. Besides he’s not about to start speaking with his mouth full.

Erwin shoves his knee slightly into Levi’s but doesn’t question his lack of explanation.

The uplifting mood doesn’t last long. On his way to Erwin’s quarters the heavy miasma of feelings returns; there’s remorse, there’s guilt and Levi feels heavy.

And yet, even with all that he can’t help but feel excited – there he is, with Erwin all to himself. Erwin healthy, younger, still looking forward to the future with brilliant, bright eyes unstained by guilt and doubt.

Levi feels intoxicated. He reaches Erwin’s dormitory and throws himself onto the unmade bed.

The door squeak open. _It was the quickest shower of a lifetime._

“Someone’s eager.” he shots and looks up, to see Shadis frozen in shock.

Levi jumps of the bed, panic rising. Shadis opens his mouth but Levi bits him to it.

“I’m sorry, so sorry. Sir. I mean, Commander.” he stutters.

The man looks at Levi like he just grew a second head. Levi salutes clumsily and rushes out of the room. There is no way to explain himself anyway.

Levi runs until he bumps at Erwin leaving the baths.

“Levi? Are you okay?” The man watches Levi in concern; Levi’s expression must look ridiculous. He can’t help himself and huffs out a laugh. Erwin’s face twists in fear.

“I forgot,” Levi laughs out, “I forgot you’re not the commander yet!”

Erwin is even more confused, doesn’t seem to find anything funny in Levi’s bizarre behavior. Levi can’t remember when was the last time he actually laughed.

“I went to the commander’s quarters to wait for you!”

Erwin’s eyebrows shot up, eyes wide while he catches up with all the possibilities.

“God! Levi! Was Shadis there? What did you do?”

Levi shakes his had, calming down. There’s still a note of amusement in his tone.

“Well, nothing, he just came in, I was sitting on the bed–”

“For the love of walls!”

“That’s nothing! I contemplated waiting for you naked. Imagine that.”

And Erwin does, and can’t help but huff a laugh of his own, shaking his head in disbelieve.

They reach Erwin’s much smaller, squad leader room without hurry still a bit shocked and amused.

Levi instantly jumps onto the bed and buries his face in a pillow. Erwin’s smell instantly dulling all the other senses.

“So...” Levi starts and turns to look at Erwin only to find his face right next to his own. Broad, warm body suddenly embracing his smaller form from behind. “I guess I won’t have to convince you any mo–uh!” Levi moans as Erwin kisses his neck wetly, hungrily. Erwin grinds down and Levi can feel his hardening cock rub against his ass through the thin fabric; Levi could almost come right then and there.

They fuck. Both craving each other, ravenous. They fuck thirstily, lecherously, roughly.

Biting, bruising and hurting more than just their bodies. They tussle, thrust and spasm.

Both coming sharply, quickly, barely out of their clothes,

they fall asleep out of breath.

 

Levi is woken up by the chilly breeze, the sweat dried cold on his uncovered skin. They both lie on the sheets, naked and luscious, still sticky from sweat and come.

He tucks closer to Erwin, eyes barely open he traces his fingers around the man’s chest, up to his neck and languid face. Levi tangles their legs together to steal some warmth but Erwin’s feet are as cold as Levi’s.

Erwin wakes with a restless jerk. Gaze searching, disoriented when he notices Levi, eventually smiles and Levi lets out an unconscious sigh of relief.

Fumbling around to get under the covers, they clench to each other under pretext of seeking more warmth. Levi lifts his face from the crook of Erwin’s neck to find his lips. Carefully they lips touch, sloppily, tongues exploring. Touches grow more passionate, voracious and desperate. Their limbs tangled, they clutch to each other, pinning, squishing, their bodies flush against each other.

When Levi comes this time it’s with tears in his eyes and a moan muffled by Erwin’s mouth. Erwin licks the tears from the corners of Levi’s eyes and comes a minute later. Agonizingly long, breathing heavily into Levi’s open mouth.

 

* * *

 

 

Levi is not sure why but when he goes to bed that night it’s to the big commander’s bed, instead of his own – which he apparently owns for years now.

He lies down expecting… something.

Epiphany? A flood of feelings, flushing memories?

Nothing happens.

The sheets smell of detergent and wind and Levi loves falling asleep in clean sheets, and yet he finds himself disappointed. By what exactly?

It’s unfair, fucked up, for life (fate?) to play with him like that, throwing him into the future, taking away something he didn’t get a chance to have.

Maybe it’s mercy? The universe taking pity on him. Seizing the memories, with all the feelings he developed for the Corps (for Erwin). Taking all of them away, before he can start caring.

Because there really is no way to miss something you didn’t have.

_Right?_

Then why… why is Levi feeling empty, why is he suddenly so _lonely?_

He had only just met Erwin, barely got to trust him. So why, how come his breath hitches and heart misses a bit when he thinks about not seeing the man again; never talking to him.

Maybe it’s Hange’s fault. If she only didn’t make him aware of what will happen (happened?). Maybe then he wouldn’t be lying here, imagining how their first kiss must have looked like, what it feels like to have Erwin’s strong arms around him. To be so open with someone, so vulnerable and accepted.

 _Fuck_. Fuck Erwin for dying on him, without him; and fuck Levi for getting so attached, so selfishly dependent on another person.

But how could he not? Erwin’s spirit, the way he gave Levi purpose after he lost his will to live. How he welcomed Levi into his life and accepted with all the flaws. How he listened without judging.

Levi curls into himself, pulling the covers up to his neck.

Lies restlessly for what seems like hours only falling asleep when he started believing the sleep would never come.

 

The cold wakes Levi up again, the world outside is still dark, cool autumn wind finding it’s way inside through the drafty windows.An unpleasant shiver runs through Levi’s body and he reaches back to steal some warmth from Erwin.

The other side of the bed is empty, acutely cold. If Erwin went back to work Levi’s going to scalp him.

Levi rolls to his back and gathers the covers, stares at the ceiling waiting to feel a bit warmer; his eyes slowly begin to adjust to the darkness, he can distinguish the shape of a wardrobe, the bookshelves. The room is wide, specious;

too big.

Levi sits up abruptly. The covers fall off of him and Levi touches his chest, doesn’t remember getting dressed, doesn’t quite remember… _No_.

“No.” His whisper a desperate plea.

Levi is in Erwin’s room – Erwin the Commander – the one Hange refused to claim after they came back from Shinganshina.

“No,” Levi repeats; fists covers painfully hard. The sheets smell freshly, of detergent and wind.

Levi is back and that means,

that Erwin is gone.

Minutes pass. Levi lifts himself slowly from the bed, he feels exhausted, limbs painfully heavy. His feet and hands freezing cold.

Absentmindedly, Levi walks himself to the kitchen and makes some tea. There’s a fire fizzling out in the canteen’s stove. Levi shoves in an extra timber and drags a chair to sit as close as he can; although he’s pretty much aware that this chill he’s feeling is not the kind you can warm up from the outside.

Levi’s eyes sting but the tears won’t come out. He is so, so very tired.

Cruel, so cruel this Universe is, to give him back the glimpse of what used to be, of what he can never reclaim, no matter how much he would regret.

A quiet yawn draws Levi out from his thoughts. Armin walks in, pulling his too big sweater tighter around himself.

“Oh, good morning, Captain” he says, voice still hoarse from sleep. Levi nods a greeting.

“Pour yourself some tea, I brewed plenty.”

Armin thanks him and proceeds to refill Levi’s glass before pouring some for himself; he drags a chair and sits across from Levi.

“Does your head still hurt, sir? Did you remember anything else?” the boy asks making Levi cringe; scenes from the last day he spent in the past assail his mind. Levi shakes his head.

“I’m back.”

Armin frowns at him and tilts his head. Levi mimics his expression in return.

“So I was here? Even though I was there?”

Blue eyes lit with curiosity, Armin straightens in his chair.

“Where do you think you were, Sir? You were here all along...just with some memories gone. You mean, you believe you were somewhere else?”

Rest of sleepiness gone from Armin’s features, eyes peering into Levi.

“I don’t know… I was…” Levi starts, suddenly he seems to remember the events of yesterday like through a haze. “Maybe, maybe I dreamed that? I was still myself, but in the past. Not long after I joined the corps, I–”

“Oh!” Armin shouts excited. “It’s like your consciousness has switched... amazing!”

Levi scowls at the overexcited boy disapprovingly.

“Sorry, Sir,” Armin whispers, smiling sheepishly. “I get too excited… I have to talk to the Commander about it! If you excuse me.”

 _Commander Hange, huh?_ Levi sighs and nods. The boy rushes out, almost bumping into Mikasa and Eren as they walk through the door.

“Morning,” the girl nods at him curtly and proceeds to wash and cut ingredients for breakfast.

Eren pours himself some tea and takes Armin’s sit next to the fireplace. He smiles sleepily at Levi, a little bit tense, restricted, unusual. It hits Levi that his yesterday’s self hadn’t recognize the kids, never have met them before. Levi just hopes he didn’t say anything too hurtful.

“Sorry I didn’t remember you yesterday.”

Eren perks up at his words, his smile grows wider.

“Captain! You’re back!”

Mikasa turns abruptly, staring at Levi, waiting for something of confirmation. Levi blinks at her slowly with a slight nod. Mikasa sighs, Levi thinks he might even see a tiny smile before she turns back to cutting the stale bread.

A warm hand closes shortly on his own and Levi turns back to Eren who’s staring intently into his tea holding it with both hands, his cheeks slightly pink.

“It’s good to have you back, Sir,” Eren mumbles into his cup.

“Yeah,” Levi sighs with a half smile.

With every next sip of his tea the memories from the last day seem to get more foggy. He feels lonely, guilty, bitter;

but a little bit thankful too.

 

* * *

 

 

Levi blinks awake, the morning sun hits his eyes making him squint. His body heavy with sleep, he feels warm; so, so warm. Looking down he sees a big arm splayed over his chest. Levi’s breath hitches. He turns to be greeted by Erwin’s relaxed, repose face.

Levi can feel Erwin’s deep, even breaths warming the skin on Levi’s face.

He can feel his cheeks burn and he’s thankful Erwin is still asleep, there’s no way Levi could hide his embarrassment now. They’re both naked, their legs tangled; Erwin’s limp member lies warm, like it is nothing, against Levi’s thigh. His own cock stirs and Levi’s mind turns blank,

he tries to untangle himself gently, inconspicuously – a vain effort.

Erwin inhales deeply, his eyelids flutter a few times before his gaze fixes on his companion. Levi can swear there is a tiny smile, barely visible brightening sleepy expression.

Just then realization must hit Erwin as his face twists in surprise, eyes shifting – his drowsy mind trying to analyze the situation.

“I–I am so, so sorry,” Erwin starts and abruptly backs himself out to the corner of the bed, nearly falling.

Levi barely manages to catch the corner of the cover before it slips away entirely,exposing him. He opens his mouth,

closes them again having no idea what to say. He doesn’t remember anything.

“I have no clue how this happened.” Erwin clears his throat, he tries and fails to sound confident. His usually pale face reddens and Levi is grateful, feeling his own cheeks burn.

“Maybe...” Levi’s voice hoarse from sleep. “Maybe we drunk too much yesterday?”

He sounds hopeful, but it wouldn’t really make this situation any better.

Erwin runs a palm through his face, then smooths his hair.

“Well...” he doesn’t finish. There is not much he could say that wouldn’t have made the situation even more shameful. He stands, turning and starts putting his clothes on. Erwin moves slowly, deliberately, trying to save last bits of his dignity. Levi turns away to give the man some privacy;

at first.

Erwin’s firm ass and broad muscly back too tempting. Levi shamelessly leers as Erwin pull his tight underwear, then the fit white trousers. Levi only notices Erwin is looking back at him when the man rests his arms on his hips, stopping, brows raised – there’s a tint of mirth in his expression.

Levi turns, embarrassed for being caught ogling.

“Nothing I haven’t seen,” he mumbles.

Erwin shakes his head in disbelieve.

“How could we get ourselves get so… how did I?” he finishes with a sigh.

“I have no fucking idea.” Levi says as much to Erwin as to himself.

Levi gets dressed quickly, a bit self-conscious, then starts making the bed, fixes the sheets a couple of times, double checks all the buttons of his uniform, then smooths the covers again.

Levi stalls. He doesn’t even know what he expects or what he really wants to happen.

Erwin combs his hair with both hands, looking around, gaze avoiding Levi’s.

“I guess we don’t really have to talk about it–”

“Yeah,” Levi answers before Erwin can finish. He moves towards the door.

A hand on his arm stops him, it’s gone before he can turn.

“I’m sorry, Levi.”

He turns to see Erwin’s sheepish expression.

“I’m not really sure how to explain this. There are images in my head. I can barely recall, we were talking and...”

Levi looks at him with anticipation he can’t place.

“I’m not sure. I just remember you looking at me like–”

“Like what?” Levi asks flatly but his pulse speeds up.

His stomach twists, breath quickens; why does he need the answer so badly?

Erwin frowns, gaze shifting.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember.”

 _Oh_. Levi's body and mind deflated (disappointed?).

“Me too, I don’t remember. But I don’t, I mean...I don’t blame you or anything.”

“I don’t regret it either.” Erwin says, there is a conviction to his words that makes Levi sigh in relief.

“Yeah... yeah.” Levi realizes that he might not know what he feels, but there’s definitely one thing he doesn’t – there is no regret.

“I really wish to remember what we did in this bed.” Erwin actually says huffing a timid laugh, surprising Levi and himself.

“We’ll have to find out next time.”

Sun rays dance over Erwin’s gold hair as their gazes fix.

“Yes, next time.” Erwin clears his throat. “We might.”

 

 


End file.
